Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
