I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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