they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
