420 ftw
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
