i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
