He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
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You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
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He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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