thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
