taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
