i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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