i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
