I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
