pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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