i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
