We're like a lot better than the average bears
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
