i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
