Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
