i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
