Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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