eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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