i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
