i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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