Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
