last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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