I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
