i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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