I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
