Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
