The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
