"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
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I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
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Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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