I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
