What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
