He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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