Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
