Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
