Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
