I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
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