Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...