This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine