Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
