Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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