come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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