i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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