who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
