My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize