He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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