the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
