you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
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She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
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just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
