Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
