chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Randomize
