I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I touched a dick in church today
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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