what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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