my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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