Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize