The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
