I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
