This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
