I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
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wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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