She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
