we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
