oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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