As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
