Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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