Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
