i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
